Sam Margulies explains myths about divorce.

Every day divorcing people spend tens of thousands of dollars on their divorces unnecessarily. They also endure long unnecessary delays and suffer unnecessary humiliation and anger. Why all this suffering? Most of it is a result of simple ignorance about the emotional and legal process of divorce. And they are victimized by their beliefs, supported by well meaning friends and relatives, in a number of popular myths about divorce. What are these destructive myths?

MYTH: A divorce has to be a battle.

FACT: The battles we associate with divorce are the result of the behaviors of lawyers in the adversarial court system. Lawyers tend to stroke their client's anger and fears and support a fantasy that at trial the judge will make it better.

Most couples can resolve the issues of divorce—children, money and property—without rancor and lasting bitterness if they keep control of the divorce. By working with a mediator they avoid the frustration and anger generated by adversary proceedings. Most couples are fully capable of resolving their issues with the assistance of a skilled mediator.

MYTH: Most divorces are resolved in trials in which a judge punishes bad behavior.

FACT: Only one or two percent of divorces go to trial. The overwhelming majority are settled by negotiated settlement as the trial date draws near. And with few exceptions bad behavior is not punished by judges who tend to resolve economic and custody decisions pragmatically and practically. So most people spend years and thousands of dollars preparing for trials that everyone in the system but them know are not going to happen.

MYTH: Getting a divorce has to take a long time.

FACT: Divorces only take a long time if lawyers are in charge. Lawyers' schedules and court calendars are usually backed up. A simple phone conversation between lawyers can take three days of phone tag to arrange. A court hearing can take months to schedule and then get adjourned for months at a time. The more contact you have with lawyers and courts the longer it takes to resolve the divorce. Couples who negotiate their settlements in mediation are usually finished in two to six weeks.

MYTH: I better get the money out of the bank accounts before my spouse does.

FACT: Unilateral acts like raiding the bank accounts or safe deposit box start the divorce on a note of bad faith and create nasty combative divorces. In mediation couples can, and usually do, agree to maintain the status quo with neither trying to gain an unfair advantage over the other.

MYTH: My divorce requires me to spend many thousands of dollars to protect myself from my spouse and to get what's coming to me.

FACT: By using a good mediator most couples can avoid high legal fees and resolve all the issues of their divorce for a few thousand dollars. Every time two lawyers talk on the phone it costs at least a hundred dollars. Every time two lawyers go to court it costs up to five thousand dollars.

The conventional divorce with two lawyers fighting about everything is an extremely inefficient process that costs thousands of dollars to accomplish very little. With a mediator you can accomplish in an hour what your lawyers could spend months haggling about.

MYTH: The more aggressive lawyer wins for the client.

FACT: There is very little winning but a lot of losing in court. Many people believe that the better lawyer can take the other partner "to the cleaners" and get all the money and property and most of the time of the children for his/her client. There are two reasons this is false.

First, almost 99% of divorces don't go to trial. They are settled by negotiation so the judge never gets to decide anything. But more important is the fact that in almost all states there are a powerful set of settlement norms that govern settlements. So the amount of child support is established by law. The "killer lawyer" can get you big legal fees but not more or less child support. In most jurisdictions there is a powerful presumption of an equal division of property.

Your "killer lawyer" can't get you more. If you get the children all the time and deprive your spouse of contact with the kids YOU and the kids lose big time. Your lawyer can't win for you here. All lawyers have aggression in their repertoire. So when you hire the lawyer with that "killer" reputation all you accomplish is a long drawn out bitter divorce, damaged kids and an empty checking account.

What you want is a lawyer who knows the law, is liked and respected by his/her colleagues, understands the psychological needs of divorcing families, and who knows that you will have to deal with your spouse long after the divorce is over and the lawyer is no longer involved.