Divorce Coaching: Helping You Thrive through a Divorce
For most couples divorce is a frightening, confusing and generally unsatisfactory process. The law seems complex and confusing and the threat of economic loss and family disruption are often confusing. Nor are most professionals capable of providing much reassurance. Lawyers tend to be insensitive to the emotional implications of divorce, are very expensive and often very inefficient. Worse yet, lawyers tend to get wrapped up in an adversary culture and often make things worse. Therapists are helpful in sorting out the difficult feelings that go with divorce but are generally reluctant to give advice about how to go through a divorce without getting hurt. So most people are left to bumble their way through as best they can.
For these reasons we are seeing the emergence of a new professional role, that of divorce coach. Although the divorce coach may be drawn from the ranks of lawyers, therapists or mediators divorce coaching is none of these things. The job of the divorce coach is to educate you and to guide you through the emotional and legal thickets of divorce. Unlike the lawyer the divorce coach does not try to help you win a struggle with your spouse. Rather, the coach’s goal is to help you make choices that assure a co-operative and constructive divorce that helps all family members thrive.
Divorce coaching is a non-adversarial process. It is based on the premise that most divorcing couples are capable of a “good divorce” in which both partners feel they have been treated fairly, both are able to wish the other well, both are able to cooperate around the children and each partner can begin a new life without dragging behind baggage filled with bitter unresolved issues from the marriage. The divorce coach can direct your attention to the requirements of a good divorce and then help you evaluate your proposed behavior to see if it helps or hinders your goals. The coach can help at any stage of the divorce.
- Pre divorce planning
Pre-divorce planning includes planning how to tell your spouse kindly and gently that you regard the marriage as over. It helps you anticipate the reaction of your spouse and helps you understand what your spouse needs from you to manage the news calmly and reasonably. - Education about the legal system
Pre-divorce education about the law, the legal system, legal procedure and the legal culture. It is vital that you understand early on that negotiated settlements are the norm and your strategy should be to maximize the chance of productive settlement while avoiding litigation unless it becomes an absolute last alternative. - Education about the emotional process
Pre-divorce education about the emotional process of divorce as it affects each family member and as it interacts with the legal processes of divorce. - Help Choosing the right lawyers
Assistance in choosing lawyers who are competent and humane. Your coach should have a thorough knowledge of the lawyers in the community and should know who is good and who is awful, which lawyers get along with which other lawyers and which ones dislike which. If you and your spouse end up with lawyers who don’t like each other it can cost you a lot of money and unnecessary conflict. - A Second Opinion
If you are involved in litigation and you sense it is not going well or that you and your lawyer are not communicating, the coach can help you evaluate what is happening. Sometimes you may have unrealistic expectations and sometimes you may have a bad fit with a lawyer. The coach can help you evaluate and if necessary, choose another lawyer or improve your communication with your present lawyer. - Education about Economic Issues
Your coach can help educate you about the economic issues of your divorce. Help can include preparing realistic budgets, understanding financial documents and reviewing your economic needs and those of your family. In middle class divorce the entire family usually has to cut back on spending and this difficult emotional task can often require some help. - Scheduling for the Children
The divorce coach should help you review your plans for the children. You should be able to review proposed schedules and plan for the long-term needs of all family members. Good coaching can help avoid many of the fights over children that can sour a divorce. - Negotiation Coaching
During the final settlement negotiations your coach serves as a sounding board to help you review and understand proposals and strategies. - Post-Divorce Conflict Resolution
After the divorce is over disputes over money and children can often occur. Here too, the coach can help you manage the issues to minimize conflict and maintain realistic expectations.
Divorce coaching is a service you may need for just one session or all
the way through the divorce. The coach does not displace your therapist
and does not displace your lawyer. Rather the job of the coach is to help
you make decisions wisely so the legal fees are minimized, you and your
spouse are able to feel that the result is fair and you and your spouse
are able to cooperate around the children. The coach is the agent of the
“good divorce”