For most couples divorce is a frightening, confusing and generally unsatisfactory process. The law seems complex and confusing and the threat of economic loss and family disruption are often confusing. Nor are most professionals capable of providing much reassurance. Lawyers tend to be insensitive to the emotional implications of divorce, are very expensive and often very inefficient. Worse yet, lawyers tend to get wrapped up in an adversary culture and often make things worse. Therapists are helpful in sorting out the difficult feelings that go with divorce but are generally reluctant to give advice about how to go through a divorce without getting hurt. So most people are left to bumble their way through as best they can.

For these reasons we are seeing the emergence of a new professional role, that of divorce coach. Although the divorce coach may be drawn from the ranks of lawyers, therapists or mediators divorce coaching is none of these things. The job of the divorce coach is to educate you and to guide you through the emotional and legal thickets of divorce. Unlike the lawyer the divorce coach does not try to help you win a struggle with your spouse. Rather, the coach’s goal is to help you make choices that assure a
Co-operative and constructive divorce that helps all family members thrive.

Divorce coaching is a non- adversarial process. It is based on the premise that most divorcing couples are capable of a “good divorce” in which both partners feel they have been treated fairly, both are able to wish the other well, both are able to cooperate around the children and each partner can begin a new life without dragging behind baggage filled with bitter unresolved issues from the marriage. The divorce coach can direct your attention to the requirements of a good divorce and then help you evaluate your proposed behavior to see if it helps or hinders your goals. The coach can help at any stage of the divorce.

• Pre divorce planning
  Pre-divorce planning includes planning how to tell your spouse kindly and gently that you regard the marriage as over. It helps you anticipate the reaction of your spouse and helps you understand what your spouse needs from you to manage the news calmly and reasonably.
  
• Education about the legal system
  Pre-divorce education about the law, the legal system, legal procedure and the legal culture. It is vital that you understand early on that negotiated settlements are the norm and your strategy should be to maximize the chance of productive settlement while avoiding litigation unless it becomes an absolute last alternative.
  
• Education about the emotional process
  Pre-divorce education about the emotional process of divorce as it affects each family member and as it interacts with the legal processes of divorce.
  
• Help Choosing the right lawyers
  Assistance in choosing lawyers who are competent and humane. Your coach should have a thorough knowledge of the lawyers in the community and should know who is good and who is awful, which lawyers get along with which other lawyers and which ones dislike which. If you and your spouse end up with lawyers who don’t like each other it can cost you a lot of money and unnecessary conflict.
  
• A Second Opinion
  If you are involved in litigation and you sense it is not going well or that you and your lawyer are not communicating, the coach can help you evaluate what is happening. Sometimes you may have unrealistic expectations and sometimes you may have a bad fit with a lawyer. The coach can help you evaluate and if necessary, choose another lawyer or improve your communication with your present lawyer.
  
• Education about Economic Issues
  Your coach can help educate you about the economic issues of your divorce. Help can include preparing realistic budgets, understanding financial documents and reviewing your economic needs and those of your family. In middle class divorce the entire family usually has to cut back on spending and this difficult emotional task can often require some help.
  
• Scheduling for the Children
  The divorce coach should help you review your plans for the children. You should be able to review proposed schedules and plan for the long-term needs of all family members. Good coaching can help avoid many of the fights over children that can sour a divorce.
  
• Negotiation Coaching
  During the final settlement negotiations your coach serves as a sounding board to help you review and understand proposals and strategies.
  
• Post-Divorce Conflict Resolution
  After the divorce is over disputes over money and children can often occur. Here too, the coach can help you manage the issues to minimize conflict and maintain realistic expectations.

Divorce coaching is a service you may need for just one session or all the way through the divorce. The coach does not displace your therapist and does not displace your lawyer. Rather the job of the coach is to help you make decisions wisely so the legal fees are minimized, you and your spouse are able to feel that the result is fair and you and your spouse are able to cooperate around the children. The coach is the agent of the “good divorce”

Divorce Coaching & The Therapist
By Sam Margulies PhD, Esq.

I have often been asked to counsel people anticipating or living through divorce but who for one reason or another were unable to mediate. Typically, the client has been unable to convince her spouse to mediate. Sometimes the client has stumbled into a bad litigated divorce and seeks some way of regaining control. And sometimes the client is considering divorce but needs education about the issues and processes of divorce. When I counsel clients in this manner I am not mediating. I am not representing them as a lawyer. And I am not serving as a therapist. What I am doing is best described as divorce coaching. This paper explains the concept.

After 27 years as a divorce lawyer and mediator I am convinced that the primary obstacle to a cooperative divorce for most divorcing couples is ignorance; their own and that of the people around them. most people facing divorce have never done so before and know little about it. They believe many myths about divorce that cite the inevitability of nasty conflict and know little about the legal process other than what they have read in novels and seen on television. From friends and relatives they receive almost uniformly bad advice that arouses suspicion and fear, and predisposes them to destructive behavior they believe necessary to protect themselves. Nor are there many places to turn for good advice. Lawyers are caught up in the adversary culture and as a group are woefully ignorant of the emotional consequences of legal strategy. Most therapists know little about the legal side of divorce and feel intimidated by lawyers. So they often refuse to get involved in helping clients analyze the consequences of choices made by their lawyers. So to whom is this client to turn?

This is where experienced divorce mediators can play an important role. An experienced mediator knows the ins and outs of the legal system. A mediator who has spent years helping clients avoid the emotional pitfalls of divorce can help a client see options for amicable settlement that other professionals might miss. With this depth of experience the mediator as coach helps to reassure and calm the client and increase understanding rather than anxiety. Instead of serving as an advocate the mediator serves as a guide who knows the legal and emotional terrain and can help steer the client through the hazards.

Educating the Client about the Law and Legal system.

For most laypeople the legal system is wrapped in mystery and fear. People faced with divorce are often paralyzed by fear that they will do something to prejudice their legal position. For example, a common problem involves a husband’s move from the house. Even though, in a particular case, it is obvious that the husband will eventually move and even though his continued presence causes untold tension between the spouses, most men believe that they will be injured legally if they move out. To make matters worse, many lawyers counsel their clients not to leave because they think the continued tension for the wife will induce her to make concessions to the husband. In truth, a husband who moves out because the couple mutually agrees that is in the best interest of the family has no adverse legal consequences. But this may lessen tension and hostility and facilitate an amicable settlement. Such an analysis is unlikely from either a therapist or the husband’s lawyer. But it would be routine for a divorce coach.

A divorce coach helps the client look at the big picture, both legally and emotionally. By focusing the client on the goal of a good settlement the coach helps the client develop an understanding of his long-term interests and helps the client avoid acting on emotional impulse. About 99% of all divorces are settled by negotiation prior to trial but few laypeople know this. When a client understands that settlement is the norm, she can adjust her strategy to seek the most efficient and fair settlement rather than focusing on struggles in court. To do this the client must be taught the essentials of divorce law and given a general understanding of how divorce occurs in the courts. He needs to learn the appropriate role of lawyers in his case and to identify competent but humane and reasonable lawyers. The client also needs an overview of the settlement norms that are likely to shape her settlement so that she develops realistic expectations. All of this is within the scope of the divorce coach’s job.

Educating The Client about the Interaction Between Emotional and Legal Processes of Divorce

Clients need help managing the beginning of the divorce because how they behave in the beginning often shapes the entire divorce. If the client is the one initiating the divorce, she needs help breaking the news to her spouse. She needs help anticipating the emotional response of her spouse and advice about how to avoid increasing the spouse’s anxiety. If the client is the non-initiator of the divorce she needs help managing her own fear so she doesn’t react by starting a war. She may be frightened, angry and humiliated. Her immediate impulse may be to retaliate or seek revenge. She needs to be calmed and counseled to do nothing for a while until she can get a perspective on what is happening. Education at the beginning can avoid numerous problems.

At the onset of divorce many people think that they have to file something in court. They worry that their spouse will hire a vicious lawyer or empty the bank accounts. Their friends may counsel them to find the most aggressive lawyer or to beat the spouse in the race to the bank. When they act on these impulses they unintentionally begin the war they are seeking to avoid. The divorce coach is the one who encourages constructive behavior and the preservation of whatever residual goodwill still exists between the couple. Coaching discourages fighting and promotes constructive negotiation.

Above all, clients must be helped to focus on long-term goals. For what problem is this divorce a solution? What kind of relationship do you want with the other parent after the divorce? What situation will really help your children adapt? What are your real economic needs and how will you reconcile that with the realistic needs of your spouse? And how will each legal initiative or tactic help you get where you want to go? This emphasis on the future helps to redirect the client from the need to vindicate the past and promotes active planning for post-divorce life.

Advice on Negotiation Strategy

Because most divorces are resolved through negotiated settlement, the process of divorce, in most cases, should be conceptualized as a negotiation process. Litigation leading to settlement is nothing more than a complicated and inefficient way to negotiate. The mediation movement that began twenty-five years ago was a reform movement aimed at simplifying the negotiation process. All divorcing couples must ultimately agree on how they will manage the children, how they will manage child support and alimony and how they will divide their marital property. Most lawyers pride themselves on being good negotiators but few have been trained in negotiation and many are not very good at it. Clients gamble when they blindly entrust negotiation to their lawyers. At a minimum, the client must be aware of the options and of the legal and emotional consequences of the negotiation strategy to be employed. Some popular styles of negotiation, particularly hard-nosed and threat-based strategies, backfire in divorce negotiation because they inflame the fears and anger of the other party. But many lawyers believe in this style. Their clients are surprised when the divorce turns ugly but don’t relate this unfortunate development to the style of their own lawyers. They just blame the other spouse.

A vital function of the divorce coach is to monitor the negotiation with the client. The coach presses the client to set reasonable goals and to assess how to present positions to the other spouse in a way that will more likely secure cooperation than conflict. The coach helps the client understand the interaction between the legal choices and emotional consequences. The client is thus empowered to hold his lawyer accountable and to fully collaborate with the lawyer in the development of negotiation strategy. In this manner the coach helps the client maintain control over the process.

Choosing Lawyers

Few clients realize how much the style and personality of their lawyer can influence the nature of the divorce and determine whether the results are cooperative or destructive. In every community there are a handful of well-known lawyers who dominate the practice of divorce law. People assume that because the lawyer has a major reputation that lawyer will get a better result than some other lawyer. But there is no data to suggest that using these lawyers get superior results. Among the other lawyers in the community the personality and style of each lawyer is well known. There are some lawyers who won’t settle a case until the last minute. This insures that both clients have maximum legal fees. There are lawyers that other lawyers regard as difficult to work with and with whom every case is a war of attrition. And then there are lawyers who are known to be reasonable. These lawyers have the repertoire necessary to be a “tough” adversary but prefer a gentle collaborative approach. Unfortunately, few laypeople appreciate the differences in style, know how to distinguish one style from the other and blindly choose lawyers whose style may actually cause an ugly divorce.

A divorce coach who knows the lawyers in a community can be invaluable to clients in choosing the right lawyer. The coach may even know which lawyers work well together as well as which lawyers dislike certain other lawyers. It is bad news for the couple when their lawyers don’t like each other. The coach should spend time with the client analyzing which lawyer will best suit the client. The coach can help the client prepare to interview lawyers and to determine if a particular lawyer is a good fit. Finally, the coach can help the client establish reasonable expectations of her lawyer so the client doesn’t get in her own way and actually hamper her own lawyer.

The Relationship Between Coach and Therapist

Coaches and therapists should be resources for each other. The coach’s role is to strategically support the client through the divorce process. The coach has no therapeutic goals for the client. The coach provides information not generally available to therapists on topics where most therapists are uncomfortable giving an opinion. The coach demystifies the process of divorce and helps create options and a sense of control for the client. It is for the therapist to help the client work through the emotional process. It is for the coach to provide the critical information the client needs to make good choices, avoid dead-end divorce and achieve constructive goals.